On June 24th, 2012 at around 5pm, my mum called me with a choking voice telling that granddad has passed away. So I drove back from Penang to KL - alone, speeding at a consistency of 140 km per hour by a 1.3 car. Panicked and daze. I manage to text my best friend - "my granddad just pass away, I’m on my way back to KL, don't call me or i might cry a river all the way to KL". She understands and she replied just to take care of myself. Text my boss saying that i needs to take EL, explaining the reason to him. He too didn't call but his message successfully makes me cry even harder.
Day 4, I’m back in Penang, living as usual as if nothing has changed. I don’t talk about my granddad to anyone, no one in Penang knew except my bff and my boss. None of my housemates know why I’ve been missing for a couple of days back then. When they ask – I just said “balik kampung”. I just could not say it. I’m in denial. The fact hasn’t slip through me yet but on some other unfortunate nights, I dreamt about him and I woke up holding back tears and mending the pain of missing him.
But the denial stage has pass I guess, and here I am trying to accept the bitter truth that my granddad has gone (T_T). I was home in KL on 2nd Ramadhan. I give my salam as usual and enter the house. Back then, my granddad will always come out when I’m home and said “laaa…kakak ko?” while trying hard to focus his blurry eyes on me. I will go up to him and take his wrinkled fragile hand to salam and kiss his hand. We will then sit back and he will begin telling me stories and asking me questions, advice me to drive carefully (T_T). Owh god! He wasn’t there the last time I’m home. He wasn’t there! I go to his room, trying to find the trace of him, his scent but he wasn’t there. The fact has snapped into me.
“Dear atok, I never said how much I love you till it was too late, it really is too late. You’re not here with me anymore. I never got the chance to repay you for what you’ve been doing all these years. I never got the chance to say thank you for sending me to school, for fetching me home, cooked for me, love me (T_T) I couldn’t go on… thank you atok. And I’m sorry. I wasn’t there the last time you breathe. I didn’t get to see you. I didn’t get the chance to say my last goodbye and kiss you. Dear atok…I love you as much as I love uwan. May you rest in peace. My doa’ is with you”.
Al-Fatihah to the one who raise me up with love and affection - in loving memory atok & uwan.