Saturday, July 28, 2012

al-fatihah buat atok


On June 24th, 2012 at around 5pm, my mum called me with a choking voice telling that granddad has passed away. So I drove back from Penang to KL - alone, speeding at a consistency of 140 km per hour by a 1.3 car. Panicked and daze. I manage to text my best friend - "my granddad just pass away, I’m on my way back to KL, don't call me or i might cry a river all the way to KL". She understands and she replied just to take care of myself. Text my boss saying that i needs to take EL, explaining the reason to him. He too didn't call but his message successfully makes me cry even harder. 

***
Day 4, I’m back in Penang, living as usual as if nothing has changed. I don’t talk about my granddad to anyone, no one in Penang knew except my bff and my boss. None of my housemates know why I’ve been missing for a couple of days back then. When they ask – I just said “balik kampung”. I just could not say it. I’m in denial. The fact hasn’t slip through me yet but on some other unfortunate nights, I dreamt about him and I woke up holding back tears and mending the pain of missing him.

But the denial stage has pass I guess, and here I am trying to accept the bitter truth that my granddad has gone (T_T). I was home in KL on 2nd Ramadhan. I give my salam as usual and enter the house. Back then, my granddad will always come out when I’m home and said “laaa…kakak ko?” while trying hard to focus his blurry eyes on me. I will go up to him and take his wrinkled fragile hand to salam and kiss his hand. We will then sit back and he will begin telling me stories and asking me questions, advice me to drive carefully (T_T). Owh god! He wasn’t there the last time I’m home. He wasn’t there! I go to his room, trying to find the trace of him, his scent but he wasn’t there. The fact has snapped into me.

***
“Dear atok, I never said how much I love you till it was too late, it really is too late. You’re not here with me anymore. I never got the chance to repay you for what you’ve been doing all these years. I never got the chance to say thank you for sending me to school, for fetching me home, cooked for me, love me (T_T) I couldn’t go on… thank you atok. And I’m sorry. I wasn’t there the last time you breathe. I didn’t get to see you. I didn’t get the chance to say my last goodbye and kiss you. Dear atok…I love you as much as I love uwan. May you rest in peace. My doa’ is with you”.

Al-Fatihah to the one who raise me up with love and affection - in loving memory atok & uwan.




Don’t depend too much on any other in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness - Ibn Taymiyyah


iman nur aima

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Battle To Heaven

Minggu ini tak layan Sigur Ros, its Mono time - infinity likes : The Battle To Heaven...


Mono are a post-rock group from Tokyo, Japan formed in 1999. The band consists of Takaakira Goto (electric guitar), Yoda (electric guitar), Tamaki Kunishi (bass guitar, guitar, piano, glockenspiel), and Yasunori Takada (drum kit, glockenspiel, synthesiser).
The band’s style of instrumental rock music is influenced by the genres of experimental rock and shoegazing, as well as by both the classical and contemporary classical periods of classical music, and also by noise and minimalism.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

maaf

aku tak sebut maaf dan memberi kemaafan tanpa makna, tanpa penyesalan, tanpa rasa yang terbit dari sisi diri aku yang paling dalam... 

mohon maaf itu berat, memaafkan itu maha berat. jika sekadar memohon maaf dan memberi kemaafan kerana orang lain juga melakukan sedemikian - kerana kebiasaan, kerana terpaksa, itu adalah etika yang salah. bila mana rasa itu tidak jujur, segalanya jadi tanpa makna. maaf dan kemaafan bukan mainan...bukan kata-kata ringan yang mudah sangat diucapkan.

ya. aku ego, aku angkuh lagi sombong untuk memohon maaf namun tak bermakna aku tak pernah lafazkannya. sekali aku meminta kemaafan, maka gugurlah jantungku dan ketahuilah, ada roh yang mengiringi maaf dan kemaafan aku. sungguh-sungguh maaf dan kemaafan itu maha berat bagi aku. memohonnya dan memberinya meragut rasa halus dalam diri aku. dan untuk harga kemaafan dan permohonan itu, aku rendahkan martabat dan darjat ku kerana itu sebaik-baik penyesalan bagiku. 

"aku mohon maaf dan tiada lah salah apa pun kamu dengan aku"...sungguh kata-kata ini menyebabkan jari aku bertaut erat...tangan aku terketar, dan titis-titis jernih meluncur laju...kalau kau renung aku dalam-dalam - kau akan nampak, sisi gelap aku yang cuba aku suluh agar terang dan menenangkan.


iman nur aima

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

dream



i can only dream -sigh-


Friday, July 13, 2012

goodnight


i turn the light off and i cover my body with a thick blanket up to my ear lobe and once i put my head on the pillow - i'll start weep...and weep and weep till i fall to deep and uneasy sleep... i murmurs "macam mana kita boleh jadi macam ni?" with tears running freely. goodnight!


iman nur aima

Monday, July 9, 2012

the pain of leaving

every night i fought these tears, i fought the pain in my chest, i swallow hard and bite my lip so i won't shriek out of pure intangible pain that i suffer. i'm leaving and something inside me snap each times i thought about leaving. i will not wake up to the same atmosphere again, will not hear the same musical voice again. my feet will not walk the same path again. owh god, my heart lash out of agony just thinking about it. sooner or later, reality will struck and i know i got to heal back. heal fast and starts again.


“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” 
― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

p/s- the silent, the quieter i do it, the lesser the pain.

iman nur aima

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Salleh Anfal & Nur Aisyah

"Salleh Anfal bin Abdul Muslim, aku cintakan kau..." tegas dalam lembut Aisyah bersuara.

"Ye..aku tahu, aku juga cintakan kau...tapi aku kena pergi. Aku jumpa kau 12 bulan 10 hari dari sekarang, jaga dirimu baik-baik Aisyah. Assalammualaikum". Dan dengan akhirnya ayat itu, Salleh meninggalkan Aisyah terpinga sendirian.

***
Setahun 10 hari! Setahun sudah dia pergi. Kegilaan apakah ini Salleh Anfal? Ye, aku cuba lupakan kau, tak banyak kenangan pun yang kau tinggalkan, tak banyak patah kata, tak banyak bual bicara, tak banyak yang perlu aku ingat. Sikit sangat tentang kau yang aku tahu. Malah raut wajah kau juga, aku lupa. Aku sedikit pun tak pernah benar-benar merenung wajah kau. Aku tak ingat langsung rupa alis mata kau. 

Tapi aku tahu. Aku cintakan kau. Saat pertama kali kau marahi aku, aku telah jatuh cinta dengan kau. Itulah kali pertama dan terakhir kau benar-benar marahkan aku. Mungkin aku yang gila! Ada apa dengan kau Salleh Anfal? Sewenang-wenangnya kau marahi aku. Dan itu buat aku jatuh cinta dengan kau, dan kau pun tahu. Aku tak pernah simpan rasa itu. Dan kali terakhir kita berjumpa, kau katakan kau juga cintakan aku lalu kau menghilang. Kegilaan apakah ini?

***

"Nur Aisyah binti Muhammad Imran, aku kembali menuntut kau dari orang tuamu" bergetar patah kata yang keluar dari mulut Salleh Anfal. Aisyah terpana.


iman nur aima

Friday, July 6, 2012

not real

yes!
he's not real
he's only on your mind!
it's just a name
it can fade from your memory!
he's not a person you've known 
you imagining him
you created him
it's delusional
wake up!!
he's not real
"this" is not real!
this feeling is fake!
its never been real!
and don't even bothered to shed those tears!
you silly girl!
you've been deceived!
mislead by your own spotless mind!
wake up dammit!!


iman nur aima



Monday, July 2, 2012

bitter realisation

Dear Diary,


i have come to a stage where i feel like a black hole. i'm empty. days just goes by and i'm becoming less productive, less significant, i'm invisible. there is no passion. nothing that drives me to my most limit. i feel rather suffocated. whatever i do are becoming much much less significant. it gives nothing back! no meaning! no soul! nothing! just plain nothingness!


i want to cried out loud out of pure joy again, not because of the misery that i felt with every nerve that i have. i want to laugh again, the honest laugh, the laugh that i can feel free to burst in that shake all my tendons and bones. i'm sick of being uptight. i'm sick of holding it back!


i'm too tired. i need to get out! to feel that i'm alive again. not like some kind of living figure without a soul. when was all this happened to me? when? why? i don't feel like myself anymore. i'm someone else. someone who is bitter inside. 


owh..i'm good in acting. yes! i know, i'm good. i'm all in the good mood when i'm around people. but this is me...i'm fighting against myself. every single day i'm fighting it - the bitter me. i wish i could figure out what i've been missing. i wish i could run! and hide! to somewhere i can figure out what is wrong with me. i want to get closer to Him. i miss Him. i miss Him....yes, i miss Him.


With Love,
Aisyah