al-fatihah buat atok

On June 24th, 2012 at around 5pm, my mum called me with a choking voice telling that granddad has passed away. So I drove back from Penang to KL - alone, speeding at a consistency of 140 km per hour by a 1.3 car. Panicked and daze. I manage to text my best friend - "my granddad just pass away, I’m on my way back to KL, don't call me or i might cry a river all the way to KL". She understands and she replied just to take care of myself. Text my boss saying that i needs to take EL, explaining the reason to him. He too didn't call but his message successfully makes me cry even harder. 

***

Day 4, I’m back in Penang, living as usual as if nothing has changed. I don’t talk about my granddad to anyone, no one in Penang knew except my bff and my boss. None of my housemates know why I’ve been missing for a couple of days back then. When they ask – I just said “balik kampung”. I just could not say it. I’m in denial. The fact hasn’t slip through me yet but on some other unfortunate nights, I dreamt about him and I woke up holding back tears and mending the pain of missing him.

But the denial stage has pass I guess, and here I am trying to accept the bitter truth that my granddad has gone (T_T). I was home in KL on 2^nd Ramadhan. I give my salam as usual and enter the house. Back then, my granddad will always come out when I’m home and said “laaa…kakak ko?” while trying hard to focus his blurry eyes on me. I will go up to him and take his wrinkled fragile hand to salam and kiss his hand. We will then sit back and he will begin telling me stories and asking me questions, advice me to drive carefully (T_T). Owh god! He wasn’t there the last time I’m home. He wasn’t there! I go to his room, trying to find the trace of him, his scent but he wasn’t there. The fact has snapped into me.

***

“Dear atok, I never said how much I love you till it was too late, it really is too late. You’re not here with me anymore. I never got the chance to repay you for what you’ve been doing all these years. I never got the chance to say thank you for sending me to school, for fetching me home, cooked for me, love me (T_T) I couldn’t go on… thank you atok. And I’m sorry. I wasn’t there the last time you breathe. I didn’t get to see you. I didn’t get the chance to say my last goodbye and kiss you. Dear atok…I love you as much as I love uwan. May you rest in peace. My doa’ is with you”.

Al-Fatihah to the one who raise me up with love and affection - in loving memory atok & uwan.

Don’t depend too much on any other in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness - Ibn Taymiyyah


iman nur aima

The Battle To Heaven

Minggu ini tak layan Sigur Ros, its Mono time - infinity likes : The Battle To Heaven...

Mono are a post-rock group from Tokyo, Japan formed in 1999. The band consists of Takaakira Goto (electric guitar), Yoda (electric guitar), Tamaki Kunishi (bass guitar, guitar, piano, glockenspiel), and Yasunori Takada (drum kit, glockenspiel, synthesiser).

The band’s style of instrumental rock music is influenced by the genres of experimental rock and shoegazing, as well as by both the classical and contemporary classical periods of classical music, and also by noise and minimalism.

Source: Mono - The Battle To Heaven from wearepostrock on Vimeo.

maaf

aku tak sebut maaf dan memberi kemaafan tanpa makna, tanpa penyesalan, tanpa rasa yang terbit dari sisi diri aku yang paling dalam... 

mohon maaf itu berat, memaafkan itu maha berat. jika sekadar memohon maaf dan memberi kemaafan kerana orang lain juga melakukan sedemikian - kerana kebiasaan, kerana terpaksa, itu adalah etika yang salah. bila mana rasa itu tidak jujur, segalanya jadi tanpa makna. maaf dan kemaafan bukan mainan...bukan kata-kata ringan yang mudah sangat diucapkan.

ya. aku ego, aku angkuh lagi sombong untuk memohon maaf namun tak bermakna aku tak pernah lafazkannya. sekali aku meminta kemaafan, maka gugurlah jantungku dan ketahuilah, ada roh yang mengiringi maaf dan kemaafan aku. sungguh-sungguh maaf dan kemaafan itu maha berat bagi aku. memohonnya dan memberinya meragut rasa halus dalam diri aku. dan untuk harga kemaafan dan permohonan itu, aku rendahkan martabat dan darjat ku kerana itu sebaik-baik penyesalan bagiku. 

"aku mohon maaf dan tiada lah salah apa pun kamu dengan aku"...sungguh kata-kata ini menyebabkan jari aku bertaut erat...tangan aku terketar, dan titis-titis jernih meluncur laju...kalau kau renung aku dalam-dalam - kau akan nampak, sisi gelap aku yang cuba aku suluh agar terang dan menenangkan.

iman nur aima